I had my first lesbian experience when I was twenty-one. I took acid which blew my mind. This was in the seventies, when taking drugs was the thing to do at college. One woman convinced me to follow her to her room, and somehow we began making out. She was a deaf student from Gallaudet; she’s now married and straight.
So we slept together. The next morning I woke up, and I was so confused. I was in a different bed in a different bedroom. When I woke up, she told me, "We made out last night."
“We did?” I couldn’t believe it.
”Let’s do it again.”
So we made out.
I thought, Wow, and I enjoyed it very much. It was better than making out with men, where I had to worry constantly about getting pregnant. Sex with her was both sexual and sensual — a comforting feeling all over my body. It was thrilling. And I should add that was my first real orgasm. (Smile.)
Even though I learned ASL at age nine when I went to Fanwood, a deaf residential school in White Plains, New York, I call ASL my native language. I love ASL!
When I was living in California, my mother reached under our seat and found a letter a girl had written to me. (I’d forgotten about it.) She got very upset and hurt.
So my parents flew out to California and confronted me. “I can’t understand that you could be gay,” my mother said. Then she went into a long list of questions like, “Where did I fail you?”
My father was very cool the whole time. “She’s just a college girl. She’s just curious. She’ll get over it.” I told her that my two sisters may be curious, but they’ll be straight.
She was still upset and emotional.
But you know what’s happened now? My father still has a hard time accepting me as gay.
The women in my family - my mother and sisters - ask me questions about AIDS and my relationships. They even get excited when they learn that I have a new girlfriend, and they’ve sometimes sent gifts to me in both our names, which was very nice.
But my brother, like my father, won’t even talk about it. It’s just odd how things have turned out, that the women in my family are much more open-minded. They ask me all kinds of questions, and I explain everything in detail. It’s wonderful.
In Boston the deaf lesbian community isn't really unified. It's made up of tiny little groups and individuals, whereas in L.A., deaf lesbians make a point of getting together regularly. That's why I miss California so much \- there are so many deaf lesbians my age there. I should add that some lesbians here in Boston are really neat.
My first lesbian bar was called Phase I in Washington, D.C. Whether it's still there, I don't know. It was in the southeast part of the city, straight down on Eighth Street from Gallaudet. A friend had invited me along, and I was curious.
Phase I was a small bar with really butch and large women. I looked around and found it interesting. I found that those real big dykes — wearing caps and looking really tough — were really sweet. It’s just a front for them.
Soon a new big lesbian bar opened some distance away, and I went there instead.
Then other bars cropped up all over the city. In them I found lesbians, bisexual women, and a few straight women who were curious.
Intermingling among them was always nice.
And going to bars has helped me define my own self-identity. I can see how other witten behave, dress, and interact. From them I piece together the little things they have taught me in different ways, and I become what I am.
Hearing people need to recognize that changing expressions on deaf people's faces don't always mean that they're mad. It's just part of them, a part of ASL and deaf culture. Also many deaf people like to be in constant motion. Why sit still? They have things to do. Hearing people often think deaf people are rude. They are offended when a deaf person pounds or slaps the table just to get the attention of another deaf person at the other end of the table. And when they stamp on the floor or pound on the table, it's all for the same reason — attention.
I had two different first loves — with two different women. The first one was when I was eight or nine, and I followed her everywhere she went. We’re still good friends today, and I find that when I see her I feel love, still. We’ve talked about it, and nothing will happen because I respect her so much. She’s straight and I’m gay. But we still give each other silly laughs and heartfelt hugs.
The other first love - which involved sex — was Barbara. (She was also the first woman I ever slept with.) That first morning when we woke up and made love, I felt, Wow! What a different experience. It was radical. It didn’t fit in with society’s expectations.
And with her my heart just fluttered. We shared each others secrets, we found out what the other liked, and we stayed together. It was just like two becoming entwined as one.
That lasted two years.
But do I regret that? No, not at all.
When I was younger, my ideal woman would’ve been blond with blue eyes. Shed be about my height, and her body would have a nice shape, She’d be smart, strong-willed and nice.
Nowadays,I don’t have an ideal woman. All I care about her Personality, her character, and her independence. I don’t want her to bow down to anyone — that I will always respect. She should be well-read, intelligent, and employed.
The important thing is harmony: we must love each other. Looks aren’t that important. What’s important is personality, character, and intelligence.
Whether she is deaf or hearing doesn’t matter.
Looking back on my relationships, I wonder if I’d want a hearing lover. Well, the older I get, the more I prefer having a deaf lover. I wouldn’t have to teach her signs, or explain deaf culture. We’d just get on with the relationship.
Of course, many hearing lesbians were fascinated with sign language. I had sex with many of them during the 1970s, and — this is really interesting — they asked, “How do deaf people make love in the dark?”
I said, “We leave the lights on.” They were shocked.
And so they learned that that was how we deaf people need to see more.
In a way, I was educating my hearing lovers that having the lights on was an enjoyable twist in lovemaking. And it helped us to communicate more with our hearing partners.
Looking back on the 1970s, I find it really funny that many hearing lesbians thought that deaf women were really hot in bed.
I say, “Not always — it all depends on the individual.”
If deaf people could join the military — the Navy, the Army, the Air Force, and the Marines — it would be nice. The benefits are truly great. I wish the officials would stop thinking “ears.” They should substitute that with “eyes.” Deaf eyes catch even the slightest movement.
For example, what if a hearing soldier had to maintain a vigil and started to fall asleep? A deaf soldier could catch a slight movement on the enemy side and signal an alert.
Once, when I was younger, I went into a bar and noticed a woman whose hair from the back made me think she was a good friend of mine,
I went up to her, turned her around, and kissed her on the lips.
It was the wrong woman.
I was deeply embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”
Her lover, furious, came up to me.
“wait a minute — let me explain.” I told her about my mistaking the back of her for someone else. “I’m so sorry — I’lI buy you a drink.”
That I did, and then I took off.
Her lover had gotten the wrong idea, and I know I could’ve gotten beaten up. But lucky me - nothing happened.
I’ll never forget that.
People need to stop making assumptions and to accept cultural differences. That’s why unity is so important to the deaf gay community. And hearing people need to know that deaf gay people are okay. I hope someday we will be one big happy family.
*This interview was conducted by the editor on July 11, 1992